[Anya's miracles, such as they are, tend to be slow, and circuitous. In light of which, it is not actually a subject change, so much as stalking around the subject for another angle. She snorts, lightly, at the reply, sobers gently again.]
There's a...theme, in Crime and Punishment. As soon as Raskalnikov commits the murder, everything goes wrong for him. Not just...arbitrarily, allegorically, not because the universe cares. Because he cannot stop thinking about it and worrying about it, because he does things to try to hide, or escape, because everything escalates, because of self-fulfilling prophecies and human fear and the weight of things on a soul. He ruins his own life. He is a murderer. The punishment is the crime.
Bleak. But - I always found it comforting, in a strange way. That it suits.
I don't know what I'd do if I had to live in the same building with my sister, after the things I did to her, now that I can remember to myself I love her. I hurt Abigail badly, that flood. Now Ben needs me to help her and I'm terrified. I used to want so badly to be her friend, and now I just - don't want to do any more damage. What a pathetic ambition is that?
I'm not. Entirely sure where I'm going with this. Except - maybe all you can do right now is continue to not be her. He certainly looks at the world like it's allegory, sometimes. Like everything has to be proof on one side of the scale or the other. Maybe I need to face it and you need to back off and that's how we suffer with what we've done, or maybe we both need better...balance.
But I can't believe it's good for him to have friends let go, even if it's wrecked right now. A man doesn't push people away the way he tries to unless he believes they'll always go, and he needs that disproven too. He needs to know not everyone is Bruce, lying and holding back. You're a lot better for him than me, on that score. Things might need to shake loose, before he can get any good out of it again. But I do think they have to, sooner or later. That's the only thing the worst of the barge is good for.
[video/private now]
There's a...theme, in Crime and Punishment. As soon as Raskalnikov commits the murder, everything goes wrong for him. Not just...arbitrarily, allegorically, not because the universe cares. Because he cannot stop thinking about it and worrying about it, because he does things to try to hide, or escape, because everything escalates, because of self-fulfilling prophecies and human fear and the weight of things on a soul. He ruins his own life. He is a murderer. The punishment is the crime.
Bleak. But - I always found it comforting, in a strange way. That it suits.
I don't know what I'd do if I had to live in the same building with my sister, after the things I did to her, now that I can remember to myself I love her. I hurt Abigail badly, that flood. Now Ben needs me to help her and I'm terrified. I used to want so badly to be her friend, and now I just - don't want to do any more damage. What a pathetic ambition is that?
I'm not. Entirely sure where I'm going with this. Except - maybe all you can do right now is continue to not be her. He certainly looks at the world like it's allegory, sometimes. Like everything has to be proof on one side of the scale or the other. Maybe I need to face it and you need to back off and that's how we suffer with what we've done, or maybe we both need better...balance.
But I can't believe it's good for him to have friends let go, even if it's wrecked right now. A man doesn't push people away the way he tries to unless he believes they'll always go, and he needs that disproven too. He needs to know not everyone is Bruce, lying and holding back. You're a lot better for him than me, on that score. Things might need to shake loose, before he can get any good out of it again. But I do think they have to, sooner or later. That's the only thing the worst of the barge is good for.