052 ☣ humming Joni Mitchell

[fridgetothefire]

[Public, video]

[Anya's in the chapel, curled into a ball in the corner of a pew. She's not crying, but she has been, eyes red-rimmed, cheeks tear-stained, sniffling a little, hair a bit mussed. But she faces the communicator squarely.]

I just saw my sister for the first time in almost three years.

I killed her, for those of you who don't know. I basically raised her - our parents certainly didn't help - and she was one of the only people who was ever kind to me. And then I killed her.

I've been waiting to make that right almost since I came to the barge. And now -

[A shaky breath, but she gets it under control, doesn't start crying again.]

She doesn't hate me. She will, I think, when she can really process how I betrayed her. But right now she's just - scared, and hopeful, and alive. She has good people taking care of her now.

And I just - I want to talk about forgiveness, I guess. Because it's never, ever required. If you forgive someone, it should be for you, because you don't want to carry the anger anymore. Nobody deserves to be punished forever, but that doesn't mean you have to be support to people who've hurt you. It doesn't mean you have to accept them in your life, even if they've reformed.

If Wanda never wants to see me - if she never wants to be my sister, if she can't trust me after I broke her trust, then that's - fair. That's her right. Just like it's my right never to forgive our father, which I haven't. Which I won't. I hope she forgives me. But I hope more that she's happy, that she has the tools to build a life she wants, with the people she wants in it.

The thing about the other barge - I know some people are scared or confused and some people are jaded and just hunkering down, and we'll get through it, and it will end, and our wounds will be healed and our tolls paid but the thing about the other barge, the actually terrible thing, is that sometimes it gives us no opportunity to choose against our own monstrosity. And sometimes we do unforgivable things there, and it isn't us - it isn't our choices - but it is us, too. Sometimes trust is broken in ways that can't be fixed with a week or two of suffering.

[She thinks of Cassel and Iris, of herself and Abigail, of herself and Beatrix, herself and Dean.]

But that doesn't mean it's impossible, either. When we're back. When the tide goes out and our wrecks are bare on the sand. Just. Remember to be kind to each other, as much as you can, whatever side of it you were on. And be kind to yourselves. I think that's the most important thing we can do.



[Private to everyone who was around for the Tosh fiasco]

Is anyone still here who fell into the abyss during Tosh's takeover?



[Private to Peter, backdated a few days]

So it's me with four inmates to watch, now.

[And to think maintenance used to be a warden's club.]

And the ship's going to pieces no matter what I do.

Mal volunteered to pitch in awhile ago, so if you still feel - tired, I'll bring her in. But the ceiling's always yours if you want it.

Comments

[patheticvillain]

Hey.

Private

[with_my_teacup]

Baby.

[More an articulation of sympathy than a word.]

[Tosh Filter]

[megamind]

[ don't answer don't answer don't answer ]

I think those who were... consumed are all gone. There's been a lot of turnover. Graduations. Not many of us who were really in the thick of it left.

Congratulations, by the by.

[routemistress]

It's 'er choice, aye. But I 'ope she does, 'cause losing a chance to know you'd be a great pity, Anya.

[Fiasco Filter]

Not me, but my son did.

[warisart]

I am proud of you, Anya.

[surfaceshine]

I always meant to ask you about that. If anyone else knew.

[Beat. Not entirely sincere:]

Except your warden and God, of course.

[darknessb4me]

Wanda?

How?

[private]

[walkingmeltdown]

[He pretty much never listens to what Anya has to say. He certainly never talks to her. And with everything that's coming from the other Barge, it's a miracle he even has room left to process anything. But...

Family. And forgiveness. This is an old song, for him.]




...I don't know that forgiving my son helped me, at all. But it did make some things...different.

[semifreakingnormal]

[He's scared of what's coming. There are more people he cares about, now. More people for him to hurt. More people he might kill. There are people he will scare, and people who will laugh at him. There are people who will kill him, if he needs to be put down, and that's only a little comforting.

He swallows hard while she talks, blinks a few times, convinces himself that it will be fine. That even if he does something that - can't be forgiven. That's okay. She's right: he shouldn't expect forgiveness. He's cursed, after all: take away his control, and all he is, is a monster.

Somehow he manages to smile, when he turns on the feed.]

I'm really glad you got to see her.

[And he hopes she'll forgive Anya. But not everyone forgives as easily as Scott does.]

[voluntaryapnea]

[It's weird, really, how much Stiles struggles with forgiveness while being surrounded by people who forgive so easily. He holds grudges for ages in many cases, when someone hurts someone that Stiles loves -- and especially when that person is himself. But his anger, locked down tight most of the time, is also a driving force in his life. Maybe it's not healthy, but he can't let go of it. He doesn't know how. It's the one thing that's remained unchanged since the Nogitsune. Maybe has even intensified.]

No, it's...not impossible. [After everything he's done, he was so easily forgiven by everyone he hurt. People who should hate him, but don't. Instead, they love him, and he doesn't get it, even now. He lets out a breath, chews on a thumbnail.]

But sometimes it's easier not to.

[notsoneedy]

I'm glad you were able to. Y'know. Do the thing that you wanted.

[And you're crying and talking about forgiveness and the bad shit that could soon be happening and Needy isn't sure how she feels, about any of it.]

private

[myresponsibility]

Sure.

I don't think I should work with Andrew, though.

[fireincarnate]

[Jean's smile is achingly, desperately warm.] She'll be amazing.