[She turns away, stops bothering to breathe for a few beats. The dead equivalent of a sigh. She has to inhale again when she decides to speak.]
What good would that do? They still won't last.
It's not about having them. It's about...getting them, and using them properly this time even if the deck is stacked against me, and giving them up again. On my terms, because I decided to do it, not because the Admiral wanted to play with me.
It's about...if I'm going to keep getting changed into different things, if I'm going to make use of it and appreciate it when it happens, then I have to stop feeling like it's taking my identity away. And everything important that ever happened to me, every decision I made always had to do with being human. So I had to make some decisions that weren't. I had to carve out a part of myself that...didn't have to be defined by that.
And if I could do that, then. Even when I go back, I'll be...I'll have that capacity. That flexibility, that bredth of possibility to me, without being miserable and confused and hating myself. That's why.
/spam
What good would that do? They still won't last.
It's not about having them. It's about...getting them, and using them properly this time even if the deck is stacked against me, and giving them up again. On my terms, because I decided to do it, not because the Admiral wanted to play with me.
It's about...if I'm going to keep getting changed into different things, if I'm going to make use of it and appreciate it when it happens, then I have to stop feeling like it's taking my identity away. And everything important that ever happened to me, every decision I made always had to do with being human. So I had to make some decisions that weren't. I had to carve out a part of myself that...didn't have to be defined by that.
And if I could do that, then. Even when I go back, I'll be...I'll have that capacity. That flexibility, that bredth of possibility to me, without being miserable and confused and hating myself. That's why.