fridgetothefire | 041 ☣ something for everyone

[Filtered to graduates/wardens who were once inmates]

What did you sacrifice, to graduate?

Someone asked me recently, and I didn't have an answer. I'm wondering if that's strange.

[Filtered to wardens who were never inmates.]

Do any of you feel trapped here? Or have you, in the past, because you needed your deal so badly? It just - it seems like a much more important distinction, in some ways, between wardens and inmates, than being able to get a drink without asking someone to buzz you in first, that we can walk away and they can't.

But I'm not sure it's that straightforward.

[Filtered to inmates]

How many of you want to change? Not to graduate, that's a very different question, and not necessarily into - whoever the admiral wants you to be. Just change, in general.

Do you want to be different than you are, in any way, or not?

[Private to the Admiral]

[Wryly, amiably.]

I don't suppose you'll tell me what you're getting out of all this.

[Spam for Harvey]

[For a long time, she practiced in private. In Bruce's room, in Cass's. She'd work with Natasha or Sokolov or Bea in the gym, because that's where they were, but when she was on her own, without the clear label of 'student' hanging over her, she'd do it with a yoga mat and a locking door. Old paranoid habits, needing to be underestimated. She's realized, lately, how much more convenient the gym is, has been gradually trying to acclimate herself to working through drills under anyone else's eyes. She's there now, moving through forms and combinations Bruce taught her, counting out her breaths. Her lungs are - compensating, slowly, better than they were, even if she'll never quite hit the same caliber of athleticism that she might have otherwise. It feels good, not just to push herself, but to know she's going somewhere.]

[Private to Abigail; wibbly timed to after their conversations with Ben.]

I told you once that I was being as straightforward with you as I knew how to be. In the interest of resurrecting that - this scares me. Not what Ben's doing, me and you.

But I will do everything in my power to take care of both of you, as much as you need.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[She laughs, too. It does sound ridiculous.]

Well, not all on my own. It was supposed to be a global coup, but I exposed my dad's plan before he could. Only there's no way the radical mutants weren't still going to go for it, so - I just. Gave people a chance to fight.

Christ. It sounds so noble, like that. Mostly I just wanted to hurt him, and hurting his cause was the worst way I could. I still don't know if I had any right to decide that for everyone else.

I didn't want to hurt anyone. I think that's the real kicker.

I didn't want to hurt the person I ended up hurting worst. It's awful.

You get mad, and you don't think - or you focus too much on something that doesn't matter as much as people, and then. Suddenly things are out of control and there are consequences you didn't want.

Now that, that I understand. You start out trying to do one thing and then the next you know there's fire in the streets.

Just like that.

It took me a long time, here. To stop - leaping, when I had an opportunity that felt right, pouring myself into things, thinking the plan would always work out how I meant it. Reckless and ruthless. I can still be those things, but usually not at the same time. It helps.

But what do you do if you can't trust your instincts?

You learn to wait. To breathe. To think things through and maybe run things past people you trust first, and how to trust people at all.

You learn to stop...assuming you're on you're own, you learn that your instincts aren't the only tools you have any more. And those other tools help you figure out when your instincts are good, and when you need to hold back. And you do that enough, your instincts get a little better.

I have been on my own, though. This all started because Batman fired me.

Yeah. So was I, for a long time. You use what you've got. The barge isn't just about being better. It's about getting better tools, too.

A lot of us didn't have any good choices, not really, not where we were. And some of our instincts, we learned because we were alone, and that's - it's not great, you know, but we adapted, we we're perfect but we were strong enough to keep going, and that matters. But now that we don't have to be alone, and we can unlearn some of those habits that don't work, and keep the ones that do.

It's messy and confusing and hard, but - it's good. It really is.

[ She just. Sighs. ]

I'll have to take your word for it.

You don't have to believe me. But you should try thinking about it as...possible, if you can. Hypothetically, maybe.

[Hope in baby steps?]

[ She smiles, a little helplessly. ]

I can do that. At least, I can try. It's all you really can do anyway, right?

That's how it goes.

041 ☣ something for everyone

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