fridgetothefire | 041 ☣ something for everyone

[Filtered to graduates/wardens who were once inmates]

What did you sacrifice, to graduate?

Someone asked me recently, and I didn't have an answer. I'm wondering if that's strange.

[Filtered to wardens who were never inmates.]

Do any of you feel trapped here? Or have you, in the past, because you needed your deal so badly? It just - it seems like a much more important distinction, in some ways, between wardens and inmates, than being able to get a drink without asking someone to buzz you in first, that we can walk away and they can't.

But I'm not sure it's that straightforward.

[Filtered to inmates]

How many of you want to change? Not to graduate, that's a very different question, and not necessarily into - whoever the admiral wants you to be. Just change, in general.

Do you want to be different than you are, in any way, or not?

[Private to the Admiral]

[Wryly, amiably.]

I don't suppose you'll tell me what you're getting out of all this.

[Spam for Harvey]

[For a long time, she practiced in private. In Bruce's room, in Cass's. She'd work with Natasha or Sokolov or Bea in the gym, because that's where they were, but when she was on her own, without the clear label of 'student' hanging over her, she'd do it with a yoga mat and a locking door. Old paranoid habits, needing to be underestimated. She's realized, lately, how much more convenient the gym is, has been gradually trying to acclimate herself to working through drills under anyone else's eyes. She's there now, moving through forms and combinations Bruce taught her, counting out her breaths. Her lungs are - compensating, slowly, better than they were, even if she'll never quite hit the same caliber of athleticism that she might have otherwise. It feels good, not just to push herself, but to know she's going somewhere.]

[Private to Abigail; wibbly timed to after their conversations with Ben.]

I told you once that I was being as straightforward with you as I knew how to be. In the interest of resurrecting that - this scares me. Not what Ben's doing, me and you.

But I will do everything in my power to take care of both of you, as much as you need.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Please don't put words in my mouth.

[Solemn but quiet.]

I never said pure. But I am kind. Some non-trivial amount of the time. I've worked very hard on it. Which makes it complicated, but usually real.

[She is utterly silent for a while. She almost hangs up. When ultimately she decides not to, it's not for her. Then again, talking to Anya was only ever a little bit about her.]

I don't need you to work very hard on being kind to me. Save it for someone else.

[This isn't exactly meant cruelly. It isn't exactly isn't. The fact is that Ben is the one who deserves, who requires, Anya's kindness. This is a stopgap measure, nothing more.]

I don't need you to take care of me, either. That's not what's happening right now.

Okay.

[She leans forward a little, elbows on her knees.]

Tell me what's happening.

[Because Ben phrased it that way, take care of and protect, but this is about what Abigail needs, and the other reason this scares her is that she doesn't understand Abigail, not as well as she'd like. Anya needs to know what the shape of this should be, and she hopes there will be some security for Abigail in dictating it.]

[What's happening is something she wouldn't have to explain to Ben, because he would just know. The dictates of what the two of them are and are not, the way she pushes and errs and the way he gently course-corrects. Anya does not have this intrinsic understanding.]

[This isn't Anya's fault. Neither, Abigail reminds herself, is Ben's absence. Not his fault. No one's fault.]

[She pushes her hair behind her ear and shrugs, tight-lipped.]

What's happening is . . . me not lying to you. Telling you what I'm doing and if I'm thinking about doing things that aren't r-- [No absolutes, not even no. She presses her eyes shut and opens them again.] That are not adaptive. If I'm losing time or feeling like I'm somewhere else.

And, and I guess if you're doing what Ben usually does, then you don't lie to me either.

[There's friction here, but she knows she's a stopgap, knows she isn't suited. The admiral doesn't always get it right, but most of the time, he makes assignments for a reason. And better to work this out now, when things are relatively stable. She hears the distinction between moralizing and adapting, is reassured by how much sense it makes to her. She nods.]

No lying. I can do that.

Will do that.

[Because Abigail of all people would hear the difference.]

[There is a stark difference between can and will. Abigail would have objected immediately if Anya had not clarified willingness over ability. Really, it's almost too easy of a catch.]

[Even so, it makes her feel better. Something softens in her, around the eyes, the set of her shoulders.]

Okay. Then I won't try to hurt you.

I might by accident anyway. But you don't seem easy to hurt, and I'm . . . getting better. At not.

[Mostly. But she has to know people well enough that she could hurt them before she can perfectly keep from doing so.]

I'm not as hard to hurt as I seem. But I usually bounce back pretty well, and I'm okay with the risk. I mean, I can't promise I won't be angry if it happens -

[Because if she were hurt enough, she might, and Abigail is in a unique position,]

- but I do promise I won't let myself take it out you.

[Her hand doesn't go to her throat, no such obvious tell, but she remembers the feeling of glass there, mind over matter, absolute refusal to let the rabies make her do something she hadn't decided, no matter how angry and terrified she felt. If she could handle that, then, with Erik next door - this is a promise she can keep.]

Listen, do you want to do something, I don't know, stupid and girly? Just to hang out sometime and try to get used to being around each other without being so careful of our edges? We can watch Gossip Girl and try to paint our nails.

It doesn't have to be now, or ever. But it's an idea.

[Probably anything else would have allowed Abigail to deflect, to end the conversation there. That's what most of her wants to do. Just because Ben likes Anya, just because Abigail has made a promise to work with her for now, doesn't mean they have to do things together.]

[But that . . . that's an offer that resonates. She misses Marissa suddenly, and then misses Elena more. She almost tears up, then doesn't, out of sheer stubbornness. The sniff that comes out is passably indifferent.]

Stupid and girly is okay.

[Stupid and girly is wonderful. There is a desperate hole in her chest that requires filling with stupid and girly.]

[She looks to the side, then back. Shy, or lying: you decide.]

I guess that'd be good.

[She misses Lua, making the offer, less acutely but no less deeply, misses helping brush her hair, before she cut it short. She doesn't think Abigail would agree if she didn't want to; that's not a lie. The rest is her own to keep. She smiles a little - not tentative, just small, an acknowledgement of the distance they still have to cross, glad of the careful steps.]

I've never...actually painted my nails before. But I can ask the admiral for stuff if you're willing to teach me.

You're going to be bad at it at first.

[This is just the truth.]

Get a lot of paper towels.

. . . And popcorn.

No better time to start practicing then, I suppose.

[It occurs to her that she does not at all put it past Abigail to be just as strict a taskmaster as Batman. The thought makes her smile.]

I'll bring them. Tomorrow evening?

Tomorrow evening. Yes. I'd like that.

. . . Thank you. [It feels like groveling. Abigail forces herself to realize that it's not anything like that at all.] Thanks, Anya.

Thank you.

[Quietly sincere, with the faint sort of emphasis on the you that acknowledges rather than contradicts Abigail's thanks, as a stronger stress would. Thanks for giving Anya this chance, for her effort and her upcoming company.]

041 ☣ something for everyone

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

do you want to timeskip to the thing or handwave awkward/generally good girls night?