003 ☣ Private to various + spam

[fridgetothefire]

Private to Batman:

Bruce, Steph told me something about you that scared me really badly, and part of me just wants to run away and try to avoid you, but I think that would be hard on the ship and also I really, really don't want to because so far you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

Private to Magneto:

I killed my father. I have his bloodstained cape hanging over my bed and I like it. And I've just realized that I will never stop wishing he'd loved me even though I'm human, and I hate that.

I don't have words for how much I hate that.

Spam for Lua:

[She knocks, arrhythmic and impatient]

Lua. Lua please open the door. I can't lie and I can't keep quiet and everything is falling apart, I'm terrified and I hate myself and a lot of other people too but I don't expect you to hurt me.

Open Spam:

Anya's scurrying through the halls and down the stairs, head down, breath coming in soft, shallow pants, because her lungs were never quite right after the fire. She's not running, but she's pushing the boundary of how fast she can move before insufficient oxygen becomes a real problem, desperate to get back to her room and hide until her next shift requires her to interact with people again.

Comments

text - SO PRIVATE

[theonlyresponse]

[........ crap.]

What did she tell you?

text - SO PRIVATE

[fridgetothefire]

She was talking about a different version of you at first and said he thought he could control everyone, and that you did too but not as much, and also that you push away the people you care about.

[theonlyresponse]

I did. I'm working on not doing it but old habits are hard to break.

Yes, I push people away. I'm afraid of hurting them. I'm not a healthy person to be around.

You also realise whatever is happening to you is also happening to me and that's the only reason I'm being so honest about it at this point in time. I would have told you this or you would have figured it out eventually.

[fridgetothefire]

I didn't know you'd be affected but I really hoped you would because it's important and I needed to know. You make me feel safe and I'm not sure if that's true anymore but the only way I can get it back is if I know for sure that you aren't going start trying to control me for my own good like my father did, so I decided to exploit the compulsion even though I'd hate anyone doing that to me. I hope you can forgive me but I don't really expect you to.

[theonlyresponse]

Well you know now - I will always forgive you. I love you as if you were my own daughter - I've never had a daughter before so I don't know what to do with that really. I lost two sons because I'm a terrible father and I'm afraid I'll lose you too.

I can't promise I won't come off as controlling because I'm not perfect, but I have your best interests at heart. I can try.

[Spam]

[wedonot]

[Charles was heading back to his own room when he crossed paths with her, by now fairly certain that he had a cold and wanting to take some aspirin or something instead of continuing to deal with everyone else's heightened emotions from the flood. But crossing paths with Anya distracted him and he stopped, worried.]

Anya, what's wrong?

I want you to know I laughed out loud *what a loaded question*

[fridgetothefire]

[Her head jerks up, and her face flickers through terror to anger]

I've used lying as a survival mechanism for three quarters of my life, I pretended to be quiet and sweet and easily cowed and stupid because I'm only human and no one expected any better, while I watched and listened and made plans to kill them all and I got a damn good start on it before I came here and now I can't. I can't lie anymore, not even lies of omission which shouldn't count but I can't keep quiet and it's going to ruin everything.

:3

[wedonot]

[Charles just stares, because of all the reasons he thought Anya might be an inmate, what she was hinting at was not one of them.]

What?

[fridgetothefire]

You heard me.

[wedonot]

What did you do?

spam

[surrenders]

[Lua cracks the door open just enough to let Anya in, even if she knows from a really embarrassing conversation with a friend earlier that she has the same problem. Anya needs her, and maybe she can help her calm down enough that she'll feel safe.]

Surprised you're coming to me but I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you. [Between Amanda and Seth Lua has enough of an arsenal to handle anybody coming in the front.] Sit down, breathe, all right?

spam

[fridgetothefire]

If I'm on my own I keep looking at the network. And I need. I need not to be alone in my head. Too many things are crashing.

spam

[surrenders]

You want to talk, or you want me to help you not talk?

[fridgetothefire]

I don't know. I want my own head to make sense again, for everything to just go in the boxes where I put them.

I don't want to think about half the things I've been saying anymore, but I hate that I'd have to run away from anything that was true about me. I thought I could face it. I thought I had, but I hadn't. Not a lot of it.

[surrenders]

[Then they can talk first and then not talk, or she can at least let Anya talk about something else, like her incredibly terrible movies (that Lua likes in a completely naive appreciation).]

I don't think anybody ever wants to admit everything. Everyone's got something they hide from themselves.

Do you think your father's going to come looking? Or Wanda or Pietro? I don't need the whole story if you don't want to talk, I just need to know. [She won't make her talk to them.]

[Private]

[wecanavenge]

[Oh dear sweet God what is happening, is this the twilight zone, what the hell]

You--

[He's kind of hung up on bloodstained cape hanging over her bed.]

Why did you kill him?

[Private]

[fridgetothefire]

Because I hate him, you staggering imbecile!

Because he's my father and I love him and I was never good enough or strong enough or special enough for him. He kept me in a cage while he plotted his wars and every time I slipped up and reminded him I was there he let me know exactly what a worthless, shameful little neanderthal I was.

He didn't even think of me as a person. More like a really unfortunate dog that pisses on the furniture, but it used to be a really cute puppy and you're too sentimental to just put it down.

[Private]

[wecanavenge]

[Neanderthal. Isn't that the comparison he's been using? The neanderthals fell before the Homo Sapiens, just as the Homo Sapiens will fall before - whatever they are. He can't answer for a long moment.

Three children he has here, and one of them is human. He hasn't even met Pietro yet, but--

He runs a hand over his face, and tries to envision a world where he could do this to his child. His daughter. He still has the memories from Sanitarium Island - he still remembers what it was like, to have a family, to stay up sleepless nights with an infant, to carry a little girl on his shoulders, and that was Anya, but not this Anya.]

Then maybe he deserved it. [How many times, now, has he talked about the deaths of some alternate version of himself?]

You understand that I'm not him, don't you?

[Private]

[fridgetothefire]

I know. But you're what I've got left.

And I hate you a little more for that 'maybe'.

[Private]

[wecanavenge]

[Motherf--] What would you like me to say, Anya? That if I'd witnessed it, I'd have killed him myself?

[He pauses, and disappears for a moment; when he comes back, it's with the framed photo she gave him, of her family. He holds it up.]

He even looks like me for God's sake! Do you know how unsettling this is? [He sets it aside, but carefully; he may want to slam it down, break it, but it's still important to him, and he's still controlling himself.

For a long moment, he's silent; he's not affected, and choosing to share this is hard.]

Months ago, I fell off the ship when we made port. Became a part of that world. I had a wife. I had a daughter. I still remember that Anya Lensherr, and I remember, very clearly, knowing that I would kill anyone who thought of doing a fraction of what he did to you.

[He runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back and sitting back a little in his seat.] I'm tired of Wanda's hatred. I don't want yours, too.

[hungryanhorny]

[Faith moves out of the way, hesitates a moment, and then picks up pace to move evenly. It's pretty easy for her, but that's because of the slayer powers.]

You alright in there?

[fridgetothefire]

I'm disturbed and scared, but unharmed.

[she glances at Faith, but doesn't slow down]

[hungryanhorny]

[She picks up her pace.]

You want to break that down for me?

[fridgetothefire]

No, I don't want to, but I will. I keep a lot of secrets, and now I can't stop speaking my mind. It's a violation of my personal autonomy and it's freakish and fundamentally discomforting that I can't control myself, when I've rarely had control over anything else.

I'm not a good person, and I'm also not a strong one, so appearing innocent and playing on the sympathies of others is one of the only ways I have to protect myself in the immediate term.

I am not physically injured.

Why are you so interested?

[hungryanhorny]

Didn't exactly expect a water fall. Didn't know I needed a reason to be curious, either.

I'm guessing this is hitting you pretty hard, though.