Anya Lehnsherr | Earth 97400 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fridgetothefire) wrote2013-09-28 08:13 pm
fridgetothefire) wrote2013-09-28 08:13 pm
028 ☣ public post
[When the view clicks on, Anya is obviously changed. She has the glowing blue eyes, and her skin looks almost grey. She isn't quite light-skinned enough for classic pallor, but the color is leached from her face. She sits still and straight, with a degree of composure that is, in fact, precisely normal for her. She missed breakfast today, and now it's quite clear why.]
I've allowed Arthas to make me into a zombie for a few days. It is entirely temporary, and I am in control of myself and my faculties. There is no need for anyone to be alarmed.
I've allowed Arthas to make me into a zombie for a few days. It is entirely temporary, and I am in control of myself and my faculties. There is no need for anyone to be alarmed.
no subject
How the hell was it easier, Anya, what did you learn from this that's worth it? Seriously. Since I clearly don't get it like you do, go ahead and tell me what makes it right or okay or even moderately smart for you to pull this.
- > private partway though
The first death that I remember, I was cut up, thrown into a wall, forced to watch as the first person who'd cared for me in more than a decade got himself killed trying to protect me, and was then slowly strangled. Your body knows you're dying, when you don't get enough air. It's not peaceful. You panic and panic. It takes minutes but it feels like ages.
This time he gave me one last chance to back out, to make sure it was my choice, and then he snapped my neck. So, yes, objectively, it was easier.
[She switches to private]
I wanted to know what it was like. Just - I'm like that. I always want to know.
And I wanted to know if Arthas was lying about his intentions or not. I didn't think he was, but there was only one way to be sure. He's - he's practically an institution to himself, here, and he's not as terrifying and inscrutable as he acts. I wanted to understand him better, and maybe get him to care about me.
I wanted to know if my soul and I even still fit together, after last week. Because it was - bad, okay, way worse than this.
And other things. But that's some.
It's smart because I'm learning what I want to know and it doesn't cost me anything I mind paying, Alex. A little risk, a little pain, yes, okay. It doesn't last. Next week I'll be normal again.
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It's a good thing you don't mind.
Has Ben been in contact?
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[Growled, because she's frustrated, because it shouldn't be so important.]
We're friends with vampires and werewolves and weirder things, okay, it's not - it shouldn't be a big deal whether my heart beats, as long as I'm me.
Briefly. He won't answer me. I'm sorry I scared him and I'm scared for him, which I was going to say when you calmed down.
When you find him, can you try not to reinforce his feelings that this is some horrible misfortune?
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You could've warned him. Jesus, Anya. Not everyone, fine, but you could've warned Ben.
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[She covers her eyes for a moment, sighs, It feels strange in her chest, because she doesn't need the air, except to speak. Everything feels strange.]
Maybe I should have, but I couldn't figure out a way that wouldn't worry him even more, okay?
If it went badly and Arthas wasn't trustworthy and I was mind-controlled, or he did try to leave me with my will but it didn't work, I had someone arranged to kill me and do a hard reset, alright? I would have woken up normal, I verified that with people he did it to here years ago, there were records in the comms. But that wasn't - a risk he needed to worry about.
I thought worrying about that possibility would be worse for him than, hey, I'm a somewhat different kind of creature now, but I'm not - a different person. I miscalculated. I'm sorry.
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Next time you decide to experiment on yourself, you keep in mind that no matter how little you give a shit about your own pain and your own death and yourself there are people on this boat who'd do anything to keep you safe. And if you don't care about the fact that they care, don't bother acting like their friend in the first place.
If you want to apologize to him, you wait until he's ready and do it yourself. Don't do it through me.
[Exasperated, he cuts the feed.]
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She has a temper. But that's not her temper. She stays very still, and seethes, and thinks. She knows she doesn't want to do any of that. She knows, as a living person, she would be angry at Alex, but not like that. Her anger runs to cold, cruel focus, not sudden violence; she couldn't afford it to. So, this is an effect. She makes a note, and wills herself calm. She meditates without breathing at all, which is - interesting. And after some time - ten minutes, half an hour, she doesn't know - she goes and picks up her comm again, and sends him another message. Voice, this time.]
I already did apologize to him. I probably will again. That one was for you, you sanctimonious ass.
I don't need friends who will do anything to keep me safe, Alex. My father kept me in a prison to keep me safe.
I care that people care. When I first came here I planned a whole slate of experiments, just wondering which death tolls were worst, and what counted toward a cause of death if you had multiple injuries. And I didn't, because there was Bruce and Lua and you who'd be upset, even though I expected all of you to walk away from me any day.
I still care. But I'm not going to never take risks, and I'm not going to pretend that death here means the same as it does somewhere else. If that's what you want in a friend, then...I can't be that. I'm sorry for that, too.
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So. Maybe let him hide a little, but if he doesn't turn up to work, then worry about really finding him.
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He showed up for his shift.